[06 Sep 2008|09:35pm] Free Ringtones <3 o

[23 Jan 2008|02:45am] a made a new journal. a personal one, ya dig? ask me for it and i'll add you but only if you're my real life friend :) new year new starts! x o

SYLVIA. [12 Jan 2008|01:45am] I am your opus, I am your valuable, The pure gold baby That melts to a shriek. I turn and burn. Do not think I underestimate your great concern. Ash, ash --- You poke and stir. Flesh, bone, there is nothing there---- A cake of soap, A wedding ring, A gold filling. Herr God, Herr Lucifer Beware Beware. Out of the ash I rise with my red hair And I eat men like air. o

regardless of all the fighting... [09 Jan 2008|04:40pm] and eventually the sky did return and I was there outside in green and I watched the world being reborn ‘till one a.m. so I thought I’d let you know it was beautiful slow dancing to tunes of Billie Holiday, the city looked wonderful that way. and love just like blood will always stain, and if I could reverse it I don't think that it'd be worth it cause I know in my heart I would never let you tumble to the ground. no, I’ll never let you fall. I would never let you tumble to the ground, no I'll never let you fall. i love you. the weather was beautiful yesterday, i spent the day in boston with my dad. it was lovely other than a terrible doctors appointment. better weather makes me so much happier, for realZzzZz. hope you're all well. o

have we found the same old fears? wish you were here. [06 Jan 2008|03:38pm] brighter skies bring lighter hearts. i can't wait for spring and summer. i can not can not can not can not can not. winter is so dreary... shit just weighs you down, ya dig? here in hull its color and lifeless and up in amherst its like okay so the natural surroundings aren't so bad but the company isss... meh. so one thing is missing in each situation but whateveeeeer. survive survive survive. and i will wait and hope and pray for those brighter skies to come a little bit earlier. maybe someone will answer my prayers? maybe. i love you and hate when we're like this, it breaks my stupid heart into a million stupid little pieces. o

everything in my life is [05 Jan 2008|05:11pm] laaaaaaame. legit everything. vomit. x o

vile and cheap. [03 Jan 2008|01:40am] all i see are dark gray clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour. so when you ask, is something wrong? i think, you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. no, we can't talk about it now. life is uneventful. home for another 4 weeks... thats right, 4 whopping weeks. its OUT OF CONTROLLLLL maaan. lalalaaa insomnia, 1455555 am lalalallaaaa. i'm just so goddamn bored! i like that word... or swear? is it a swear? i guess it depends on your religion. anyways, i like it. GODDAMN! it sounds so powerful yet easygoing and southern for some reason to me but probably not cos those southerners are reeaaal into their god (i said that in such an accent, its beautiful.) woogidy woogidy whack! deee la dee. time to force myself into slummbberr. go to freerice.com! save the world and increase your vocabulary... do it, you won't! x o

vent rant complain complain complain [30 Dec 2007|10:25pm] so the holidays were fucking lame. i don't think i've ever had a good christmas in my entire life. but i keep trying and trying and trying, hoping that someday maybe someone will be excited about the holidays with me and actually HELP me and WANT to have some holiday spirit. i had to fight tooth and nail to get a fucking tree.. and then i decorated it bassiically alone. oh wow, it just made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. all i wanted was that feeling, but its so hard to get by yourself. when everyone else is fucking scrooge, it doesn't really improve the situation. UGH doesn't matter now because its over, just another shitty fucking christmas to add to the list. no ones around, i'm fat and bored and constantly LONELY. is it like wrong to want to sleep next to someone every night? cause when i'm in the woods of east fuck up at school, i can't. ever. maybe once like every 2 weeks? or well thats how it was and then is just... wasn't. so i think its understandable that while i'm on vacation i'd like to try and take advantage of it. but NO! oh no. ohhh no. thats unthinkable to want to be loved and fucking comforted. yeah yeah i "have" people, but sometimes PHYSICAL comfort and contact says so much more than words. like seriously, the entire semester i think one person hugged me. one incident of awkward human contact. hahhahahaah it REALLY held me over... oh wait, not. not at all, not in the littlest tiniest bit. i've had nothing to survive off of and i'm so fucking surprised that i survived at all, so i think it should be UNDERFUCKINGSTANDABLE that i'd want to overload on it here and now while i have the chance. i'm sorry i'm being selfish but i think its okay sometimes to need to be selfish. i just need love. physical love. hugs hand holding cuddling. i just want to be held until everything is okay but no one is willing to help me in that way. i know i'm asking too much and i'm too difficult and people give me as much as they can... but i don't know. maybe i'll just stay alone in my room until i go back to school, deal with the shit in my head on my own and come out as a new person. a month of solitary confinement. my self created prison. my safe haven and my hell forever and ever, or until i am better. i don't want to be selfish and disappointed anymore. i know i know i KNOW i am asking too much and i know i know i KNOW they are giving all they can. and i should appreciate it more. and while i can't appreciate all that i have, i should lock myself away and figure who i am, why i act the way i do, how i can fix the shitty behaviors and things... so on and so forth. i'm in the worst mood, so take none of what i'm saying seriously. its all bullshit and i'm sure that by tomorrow i won't be angry, i won't be anything at all. just fine alright okay, flat. a new year is coming. last year i had 10 resolutions i think, and i didn't keep a single one. i don't have any this year except to try and keep trying and never give up or in. but a new year brings a fresh slate. clean pure nouveau. a new start! the ability to start out the year how i want to. a year unattached from previous situations and involvements. a new year for my love and i, to really start "us" and just run with that. i have a whole heart of hope for the new year. i'm sorry for writing all that i did above, but i needed to get it out more than anything. i feel better already from just getting it off my chest, i feel relieved. i feel optimistic. and even though its the smallest amount of optimism, its still optimism.

let me see ya hips swing! [27 Dec 2007|04:06pm] i miss having fun all the time. i feel like i've settled into a over comfortable old woman lifestyle. its so hard to get out of though cause its just so damn cozy. but i'm 18! i should be acting like how i did all senior year and the summer before school, i shouldn't be an always tired "no, i think i'm going to stay in tonight" girl. bleeeh bleh blah mooow. WHATEEEVER x o

mow mow blah blah don't be so scared [17 Dec 2007|03:04pm] so so so so busy and stressed! papers, finals, money, classes... everything mang. all builds up at once ya know? no sleeping or eating or living really easy, just aaaaall work. since like saturday and will continue like this til thursday night/ friday morning. but other than this crappola, life has been nice. the boo is great and very sweet and we're turning a new leaf... <3. i'm addicted to diet pepsi and candy canes, may become a problem. the roomie is still the spawn of satan. i miss my animals a whole bunch. I WILL BE HOME FOR OVER A MONTH IN ONLY FOUR FUCKING DAYS! wooooooo! okay i gotta go study my brains out for microbio... this is just a quick update for my dearest love and friend CMC :) goodluck to all during finals and such. and happy holidays! <3 x o

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